The Countdown Begins......

10 more days and I will be DONE WITH CHEMOTHERAPY!!!! 10 days!!!!

It feels like just yesterday that I was in the hospital, healing from surgery, and learning and anticipating the "what ifs" of my medication. Countless times, as I was posted on my spot on the couch, we would say out loud, "ok... June, July, August, September, October...", as if saying the months might make time go faster. There were days when I felt like time was crawling, and days like today where I am stopped in my tracks thinking, "How in the world did this go so fast?!?" The pharmacy called the other day to ask if I was ready for a refill on my medication and I cannot even express the excitement as I got to say, "Oh thanks for calling but I won't be needing any more medication! My treatment will be complete on October 23rd." 

10 days...

40 pills...

I can sooooo do this!!!

Hebews 10:23 - Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

How He Loves Us

I woke up this morning with this song in my heart. It is a beautiful song about the love that our Father has for us. As I was singing the words, I was reminded at how truly amazing God's love for us is. We didn't do anything to earn His love, yet He gives it so abundantly; and we can't do anything to make Him stop loving us. What an incredible gift!

Often times we go through seasons in our lives, good or bad, and we fail to remember that God's love for us is at the core of every situation. When it's a season of blessing and prosperity, we are engulfed in joy and the feelings of love and thanksgiving. And rightfully so! Remember to thank God for them. But what about the seasons of need, of heartache, of disaster, or sickness? We need to thank God for those times as well! Hard to do? Sometimes. But it is in those times that God can draw us closer to Him. When there is nothing else to lean on, He can teach us to lean on Him and trust Him. It is the times of deserate need that we are reminded of God's unfailing love.

He always has our best in mind! Even in this crazy cancer journey of mine! How in the world is God's love at the core of this sickness? It is! He didn't cause this disease to plague my body, but He sure has used it to teach me things and bring me closer to Him. I have found his love for me with every step, around every corner. God cares about the littlest details of our lives - every desire, every feeling, every need.

Matthew 6:25-29 - “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you? "

I love that example of God's love for us! If He cares that deeply about birds and flowers, how much more does He care about us, His children, the ones He came to earth and died for! Again, what a tremendous gift! So no matter what we are facing, victory or hardship, our Father loves us....

Oh how He loves us....

Steps

Everything around our house these days is "one day at a time..." and even more so, "one step at a time." And it really is! I cannot predict how a day is going to pan out, or make solid plans for upcoming days. During this cycle of chemo, my days have been all over the map (as well as my emotions; just ask my husband...sorry babe). One day I will wake up exhausted and sick, while the very next day I will be up and at 'em, painting my family room! We never know what a day will bring, but I guess that is what makes this a journey...

Our whole life is a journey, one step at a time. Each of us have our own path and can look back at the steps that led us to where we are at today; and each of us will take steps that form the life ahead of us. The steps on our journey are so varied. Sometimes our steps are through grassy meadows, along cool, sandy shores, or through lakes of milk chocolate (mmmmm, gotta throw the chocolate in there, just cuz!). But often times our steps are along rocky paths,  or through scortched deserts, or sludgy swamps. Life has so many seasons and we have to walk through each of them. It's not always easy, especially during the hard times, but it is do-able!

Yes, it is do-able! Not by our own plans or by our own strength, but by God's! God promises us in Psalm 37:23, "The steps of a good man are directed and established by the Lord when He delights in his way..." That tells me that whichever step I am on in my journey of life, God knows! I am not just wandering around in the middle of nowhere, blindly trying to find my way. Rather I am always right where God wants me to be. Because I trust in Him with everything that I am, I can be confident that even if I am stomping around in sludge, it is for my good. Such a season will make me a stronger person, teach me what I need to add to my character, bring me to my next step, and give me compassion for someone else along the way. It says in Isaiah 43:19, " Behold I am doing a new thing! Do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." That means that our difficult season is not forever! As we trust him through the muddy parts of our life, He WILL bring us to the green pasture that is right around the corner.

It is not easy, it is tiring, and it can be painful. But if we just hold on a little bit longer, we will find our rest. And how great it is to look back over steps on our journey and see God's faithfulness. So much to be thankful for.

Stonger!

At the very beginning, my dear little friend, Julia Noble (age 8), was driving with her mom in the car when this song came on the radio. She was singing along and suddenly shouted, "Mom! This is shundi's song!!!" (shundi is our nickname). Later, Julia called to make sure I was recovering well and told me that this was my song because they were praying for me and God was with me. Thank you, Ju, for your childlike faith and encouragment to me. I sing this song everyday :) I love you miniature shundi!

NEED Him

My husband got me a devotional for my birthday and it is so powerful. I read the days' entry every morning and we read it together every night. Many of you have probably heard of it! It's called, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Today's word has been ruminating in my heart so I thought I would share it...

"Expect to encounter adversity in your life., remembering that you live in a deeply fallen world. Stop trying to find a way that circumvents difficulties. The main problem with an easy life is that it masks your need for Me. When you became a Christian, I infused My very Life into you, empowering you to live on a supernatural plane by depending on me.

Anticipate coming face to face with impossibilities; situations totally beyond your ability to handle. This awareness of your inadequacy is not something you should try to evade. It is precisely where I want you-the best place to encounter Me in My Glory and Power. When you see armies of problems marching toward you, cry out to Me! Allow Me to fight for you. Watch Me working on your behalf, as you rest in the shadow of My Almighty Presence."

I can say that I have had a fairly "easy" life. I have always known God on a personal level and have lived the life he has given me to the best of my ability; trusting him and knowing that He will lead me as I go. I do not take the Lord and his blessings in my life for granted, and this journey that I am on only magnifies my desire to always NEED Him. I had no control over having cancer in my body, I have no control over this chemotherapy, and I have no control over what will come in the days that follow. All I can do is face what is in front of me in the present and then step aside and let God control it for me. And ya know... it is so much easier to let Him worry about all of the why's and how's; it sure saves me a lot of suffering. Instead, I get to rest and be comforted and at peace, knowing that my life will be much better off with Him handling it anyway.

Psalm 91:1-2, "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”

Cycle 3... oh cycle 3...

Yaaaaaaaaaaaa, cycle 3.....

This cycle of chemo has been another story. I was puttin' along just fine but these past seven days hit me pretty hard. It started with the usual fatigue on Thursday evening and escalated from there. I cannot even begin to describe the exhaustion and weakness that I have felt. I have literally layed on the couch and in bed for seven days straight! I had those moments where I said, "ok, I'm done now! Time to feel good and move on!" But even standing for two minutes to do a few dishes made me feel as though I would fall over. So I gave in and stayed down! I had a few bouts of nausia and actually had to take one of my nausia pills. Ugh.

The hardest part was when some of my hair started falling out :(  I have plenty of hair to spare so you can't even tell, it was just a weird, creepy feeling. Whenever I put it in a pony tail, wash it, or brush it, I end up with a small clump in my hand. sigh. It catches me off gaurd when it happens, but there's not much I can do so I keep going. I know I'm not going to lose all of my hair, so I'm not too worried, but I don't like seeing so many strands...

Overall this has been a pretty stinky week but that's ok. God is still answering our prayers and covering us with his peace and provision. All of this is to bring me the health that I need and I will get there one day at a time.

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Chemo Cycles 1 & 2

Can I just say that once again, I am amazed at God!!!

Each round of chemotherapy is 2 weeks on, 1 week off. I completed two cylces of chemotherapy with VERY MINIMAL side effects!! I was fatigued for a day here, a day there, but no nausea, sores, or hair loss, etc!  You never know how you're going to feel when you wake up in the morning, and every morning we thank the Lord that I feel "normal"!

On August 3rd, I had blood work done and an appointment with my oncologist. I have to admit, feeling so good while on chemo made me a little nervous. Thoughts like, "Am I taking the right pill? Did we make the right decision? Is it even working??" would take a spin every so often. Those nervous thoughts were quickly squashed when we got the doctors update! He said that all of my blood work is perfect and my counts are exactly where they should be.  He even said that my hemoglobin  is holding at 11.4 and I don't have to take iron for anemia anymore! AND he said that I will most likely end my chemo at the end of October rather than going all the way through December!! He was shocked at how well I was handling this medication and was blown away to know that I didn't even have any sores on my hands (something he was very worried about).

Talk about answers to prayer!!!!!!! So many people have been praying for and I can't express how much it means to me. I know that every day that I feel good is a gift from God, and I know that He is walking with me every step of the way.

Chemotherapy - Day 1

After meeting with my oncologist, Dr. AJ, Frank and I decided that we would take the route of chemotherapy. We chose for me to take it in pill form at home rather than having a portacath for IV treatments. Dr. AJ informed us that the studies on this particular pill show that usually Asian Americans are the only ones that handle this pill well and white Americans cannot usually handle this medication at all. After hearing the different pros and cons of each, we still felt this was the best way for us to go, and decided to give it a try! Kind of a scary choice to make, but we were confident!

My first few cycles of medication arrived by Fed Ex within a few days and I received a call from the pharmacist. Wow. What I was about to do was starting to settle in. The pharmacist, as well as Dr. AJ, gave me a list of side effects that I might have while on this drug:

Fatigue
Nausea
Vomitting
Diarrhea
Constipation
Sores on my hands, feet, and mouth
Sensitive to cold and heat. (He said I won't even be able to open the refrigerator!)
Some hair loss
Joint pain

Now if you know me, I am quite sensitive to medication.  In the past, if there was any possible side effect to something, I would get the worst if it! So of course, when the pharmacist was apologizing to me because he felt so bad that I actually had to go through this, I got a little nervous! So what did we do? We began to PRAY! God had walked us through this far, and He could carry us through this next stage. Just because those illnesses are common side effects, doesn't mean I have to have them! God is greater.

Monday, June 27, 2011....

It was here! Day #1 of Chemo was finally upon us! We were up early and Frank was heading out to work. We prayed together as we do every morning, only this time we prayed for this first day of medication. My mom arrived to stay with me for the day; I didn't really want to be alone :)

Before I took my first dose, my mom gave me a small candle in a glass container with a covering. This candle was a symbol and tangible promise of what we were praying for... that through this chemoptherapy, God would use it to destroy any remaining cancerous cells but would protect my good cells in the process. The candle represents my good cells that are encased by the strong, solid glass, just as the strong hand of God will encase my good cells so that I will remain healthy. I love having parents who walk in such faith and I love having the promises of God to cling to.

We prayed and down the hatch went my first two pills........ anything? nope. ok, uh, what do we do now? It was so funny as mom and I sat there staring at each other, like, "oooookkkkkk, now what do we do?!?" We laughed and found the best plan for the day. We watched four of the eight movies in the Love Comes Softly series!!

1 down, only 189 days to go!!!

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to!

So there I was, back in the hospital! And of course all of my previous nurses remembered me and stopped in to say hello :) I just couldn't believe I was there again! Really though, again??? Am I expressing it clear enough? "I'm in the hospital again??!!!" I kept saying and thinking this over and over. I was so sad. I had felt great, energized, and healthier than I had ever been, yet there I was, laying on this slab of a mattress.

I had so much medicine flowing into my system to combat the swelling of my inside construction site. Between the IV's, the antibiotics, and the awesome, yet scary pain med, diladed, all I could taste was metal. yuck! But because of all of this, my infection cleared quickly and I was feeling better in no time. Yet they kept me in the hospital, day after day after day.

I HAD TO CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY IN THE HOSPITAL!!!!

How much fun is that! Well I'll tell you...

I woke up on June 8th and my nurse, Ader, had decorated my room with a sign and streamers that my mom had brought the day before! All of the nurses wished me Happy Birthday and my grandparents and family sent flowers. My husband came and we played Connect Four and colored in my coloring book :) I even got to take a shower and wash my hair!

I had a difficult time in the hospital this time around. I don't know if it was because everyone had gone back to work and I had more alone time, or if it was the simple fact that it was all hitting me of what I was going through. I had to fight so many thoughts and attitudes that wanted to discourage and knock  me down. A few times the tears were flowing, but God was stronger. He was there with me, reminding me that He would never leave me or forsake me. Reminding me that He had plans for me, and it wasn't to spend my days in and out of the hospital. Reminding me that He knows all of my dreams and that this was a step along the way so that I can enjoy those dreams. God was there.

I was so happy to leave the hospital after another week, and I bid the nurses farewell! They all said I was their best patient but didn't want to see me again :) I agreed! I was on my way home, stocked with meds for another week, and ready to continue the next step of this cancer journey............

Chemotherapy.

Feeling great!!! ....oh wait, not so fast...

(This is old news, but once again, I slacked off in blogging so I'm still catching up on my memories...)

I came home from the hospital, FINALLY, and was so happy to be home in my new house.  For those of you who don't know, during this whole ordeal, Frank and I bought a house! We had lived here for one month when it all came down... pretty good timing, God :)  Don't you just love how He knows what we need before we even ask him :)

The days following my hospital stay were actually pleasant. Despite some soreness and my 14 inch stapled incision, I was feeling great! Honestly, I hadn't felt so healthy in years!! I layed around the house, enjoyed visitors throughout each day, and took many wonderful naps... aaahhhh... I could get used to this feeling. A few weeks had gone by and I checked in with my surgeon. I was glad when he removed half my staples and the other half a few weeks later. Dr. Sorour gave me the okay and I was clear to jump back into life! I had one week before I started chemotherapy, so I was esctatic to have a "normal life" for a few days.

But then Friday came... I woke up Friday morning, June 3rd, almost one month since surgery, and I wasn't feelin' so hot. I was so tired and a little sick to my stomach. I just didn't feel right. I got up early to see my husband off to work and layed on the couch. As the morning went on I developed pain in my right side. Around 8am it got worse so I called my surgeon to see if there should be any cause for concern. I was thankful to talk to him directly! He said if it didn't improve in a few hours I should go to the ER. Great. That's what I want to hear. I went to bed and slept off and on all afternoon. When my husband got home at 5pm, I was ready to head to the hospital. I can't even explain the pain I was in...
We arrived at Lodi Memorial to find quite a wait time; not too bad compared to Stockton, but bad when I felt the way I did. As we were sitting there my pain increased and I started losing conciousness. I was swaying back and forth and for some reason my throat began to close. My husband got the nurse and they got me to a bed in a matter of seconds.

After a CT scan, numerous viles of blood, and a few doses of Diladed (whoa!) I was being admitted for an infection. Ugh. Wait! I was supposed to have a week of fun before starting chemo!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr........

Thank you so much!

Sometimes we go through life and have moments of wondering if anyone really cares. We all do! Not in a "oh poor me" pity kind of way, but just a, "here I am with my little circle and that's ok," sort of way. Make sense? Or maybe it's just me! LOL. Anyway... my point being... I had no idea how many amazing and wonderful people I have in my life!!!!

News of my cancer began to spread like wildfire! It's one of those things you hear about happening to other people, ya know, a child becomes very ill, word spreads, and people all over, known and unknown, are praying and supporting a family they don't even know! We've all been on that end of a story. I guess I didn't realize that it actually does happen and how incredible it really is!

Every day we were getting calls and emails from people encouraging us, praying for us, and letting us know who they passed the information on to. There were churches, schools, bible study groups, prayer chains, and families all over the united states lifting me and my family in prayer!! I still can't fathom it!! I read every single email over and over again, soaking in the truth and faith that people were sharing. I had so many visitors while in the hospital; I made a list and counted 50 people that had come on gone throughout my stay! 50! Each of you that visited, called, emailed, sent cards and flowers... THANK YOU!!

This road has not been easy, but knowing that so many of you care and support us, has made the biggest difference; I cannot even express my gratitude with words. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that your prayers have made the difference in my diagnosis, recovery, and each day from here on out. God heard every prayer and my heart will be forever changed from experiencing Christ's love in such a way, through all of you.

Galatians 6:2, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."

Surgery Day!

Wednesday, May 11th was surgery day! We were told that I would be going in around to 2:00pm, and to our surprise they came to get me at 9:30am! Frank was able to stay with me as they wheeled my bed into the pre-surgery room. My surgeon, Dr. Sorour, came to greet us and by 10:15 I was in the operating room. All I can remember was lying under the large, bright lights as different doctors and nurses introduced themselves and comforted me. I don’t remember anything after that. From what I was told, surgery lasted two and a half hours, and while I was under, family and friends waited in the waiting room.

I remember waking up back in my room, Room 269. I saw and heard Frank and my parents around me. Of course I was in and out for quite a while, but I remember knowing that everything was ok!

I had stage 2 colon cancer in my cecum, in the right side of my colon. The mass was large and very much “alive”. I know this is gross, but it was actually sucking my blood. This explains the anemia I had dealt with! The doctor removed the entire right side of my colon and was able to reattach everything so that I did not have to have a colostomy bag. My incision was about 12 inches top to bottom, and I counted about 36 staples. It was a little shocking the first time I saw it, that’s for sure! The cancer had spread to the lymph channels, the bridge right before it would enter the lymph nodes. Dr. Sorour removed 36 lymph nodes and all of them tested negative. We were so thankful when the doctors let us know they got it just in time!

It’s kind of strange because we all felt like I had cancer for three days. We discovered it Monday and by Wednesday it was gone! In reality, we know that I had cancer for about two years, but we are thankful that in the whirlwind of that week it was all taken care of. I was so at peace on Wednesday night, knowing that I was cancer free and on my way to a healthy life.

Psalm 91:1-2, “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.”

If Gramps can do it, I can do it...

Tuesday was a day of uncertainty. The news was setting in for all of us and we were each beginning to deal with it in our own ways. There were some emotional moments, yet there was still such a peace that was constantly reassuring us that everything was going to be alright.

My husband was unbelievably strong. He cared for me, made sure I had what I needed, made me laugh, and got busy on all of the paperwork. Mom, Dad, and Laura sat with me, bringing humor to every possible aspect. My brother, Alyssa, and Meg drove in from Las Vegas, which was the greatest surprise and meant so much. Frank and Ruth brought care and laughter, as well as so many other family members and friends. We were overwhelmed with love and support; it was surreal.

We found out on Tuesday afternoon that I was scheduled for surgery the next day. What a relief! This meant the cancer would be gone and health was on the way!! I sent Frank home on Tuesday night to get some sleep, since he had been with me since Monday morning. I wanted him awake and rested for surgery day! My mom stayed with me Tuesday night, and it is a night I will remember as long as I live…

To prepare for surgery I had to drink more colon prep and take 24 antibiotic pills; all of this on an empty stomach, mind you. At this point I still hadn’t even had a sip of water since Monday morning! Needless to say this didn’t sit well. I was so sick that night. Between the headache, the vomiting, the dizziness, and the intense pain where my cancer was, I can honestly say that I have never experienced that much pain and discomfort. I remember finally settling down and lying still, when the nurse came in to increase my potassium. She put it through my IV and left the room. Within a few seconds of it hitting my blood stream, it was as if I left my body. For some reason I couldn’t handle it as it pained and crippled my hand. While I was screaming, my mom got the nurse and she stopped the flow, flushing it with saline.

I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, crying, while my mom was praying over me. It was truly the worst night of my life, the biggest battle I had ever faced, and I felt like I couldn’t do it… why did I have to go through this…I can’t make it! And then in a moment, I could. I looked at my mom and said, “If Gramps can do it, I can do it.” See, just recently, my 83 year old grandfather had gone through 9 weeks of radiation and treatments for prostate cancer, and he had done it with strength and resolve. If he did, then I can!

The next morning, I woke up with my mom still next to me. When I opened my eyes she said, “You did it. You made it through the worst night of your life. If you made it through that, you can make it through anything.”

Since that moment, I still say, “If Gramps can do it, I can do it.” Thank you, Gramps. Your positive attitude, your strength, and your perseverance have helped me know that I too can walk through this season with a joyful heart.

P.S. We got the report back yesterday (6/29/11) that Gramps’ radiation worked and he is cancer free! Good job Gramps!! Thank you, Lord!!!

Deuteronomy 31:8, “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid and do not be discouraged.”

Monday, May 9, 2011... Diagnosis

Good morning! Here, drink another bottle of pure yuckiness so you can go have your colonoscopy!! Oh how I loathe those preps!

After my bout with severe anemia, my doctor wanted to get to the bottom of things. Afterall, there is no reason or any sign of me losing so much blood. He did not figure in finding anything, but he ordered a colonoscopy just to "say we did" and have it on file as a starting point.

So there we were, my husband and I, waiting patiently for my turn. Mind you, I am starving since this is Monday and I haven’t had anything but water since Saturday evening. After some delays, my name is called. I go in, have the procedure, and the next thing I know, I am coming out of my anesthesia, apparently a little too early…

I woke up and turned to see the doctor and my husband standing there. And I hear what I never expected, “I’m sorry sir, I believe your wife has cancer.” It became a whirlwind after that. I went from grogginess to hearing talks of surgery, getting in a wheel chair, wheeled outside to the corner crosswalk, across the street, and directly into a bed at Lodi Memorial. Laying in the bed, I remember looking at Frank and saying, “ I might have cancer?” So many questions filled our minds, but at the same time, we were filled with so much peace. He sat by my side and said, “Honey, its ok. God is in control and He is going to see us through. We trust him.”

A while later my mom and sister arrived with hugs, followed by my dad, my in-laws, and many friends. I had a CT scan to see if the diagnosis was cancer and if so, had it spread. It was late in the evening when the results came back that it was indeed colon cancer, but praise the Lord, it was contained! I remember looking around the room after the doctor left. There were at least 15 people gathered around Frank and I, sharing in that moment with us. There were tears, but the room wasn’t filled with panic and chaos, rather a gentle peace rested among us as different people began to pray.

From that point on, we knew that even though this was the beginning of a road we never expected, we had truly experienced Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

From the Beginning...Anemia

A few years ago, I began to not feel well. At first I had your basic chest colds and flues and tiredness. As time went on, I began to get sick more often, to the point that I was sick EVERY weekend. And that is not an exaggeration; I mean every. Of course we all related it to the seasons and to the fact that I was a preschool teacher and I picked up the germs of my kids. After a while, being sick and exhausted became "normal" for me, so it didn't really phase me that something terrible could be wrong. It was just how I lived. Looking back, I realize how sad it was that I went through each day in such a way. My husband and I didn't really go anywhere, or get involved in many activities, as I was too tired to do anything. It was the last few months of 2010 that my tiredness began effecting me in a greater way. Just the thought of getting up to change the laundry made me cry.

I went to the doctor to have blood work done and we found out that I was slightly anemic, so I began taking a small dose of iron. It didn't make much of a difference, and by late March, we knew it wasn't enough. I ended up in the ER at Lodi Memorial. After more blood tests, we found that my blood levels had dropped to a 7.8, half of the blood a person should have. By the end of the night, I was being transfused with two units of blood.

Needless to say, with a new blood level of 11, I felt so much better! I began taking 975 mg of iron every day and I felt like a new person!! I was finally on a new path and really "living" for the first time in years!!

God had answered our prayers and we were so excited to have a fresh start!

Recap!

Two years later... it's just one of those things. I didn't write for a lack of happenings, good grief no! Too much happening I suppose! But alas, it is time to begin again...
Over the past two years, let's see:



I graduated with 2 Associate degrees!



Our dog had 9 puppies!



I taught preschool at Blessed Beginnings!

We bought our first home!



And I found out I had CANCER!

Yep! I'd say its been an exciting few years!